Lost

My heart is heavy so is my mind, I have abundantly wasted time energy and space. I wish i could just erase the pain that i have caused so many. i don't deserve Love or forgiveness. I'm not someone that others should waste their time on. I have lost my way a long time ago and I haven't found my way out of the fog. Where do I go from here??

Quick thoughts

Take my advice and lets talk for awhile
Tell me what it is that makes you smile
Makes your mind run wild
Makes you feel like a child
Paint a picture so that I can see it in my mind
You got to go?
Did we run out of time?
Tell me when we can do this again
Cuz right where we left off is where you can begin...

Where do I go from here??

I have come to a Cross Roads or a cross of Paths

Now what do I do?

Left or Right?

Its all up to you.

Do what is expected.

Do what makes you happy.

Going back and forth

A tug of war with my emotions

this course is rougher than being on the ocean.

Who will I be?

How will they see me?

Its all a matter of perception and acceptance,

Do I accept me for who I am and Who I want to be?

Is my judgment clouded and never just what it seems?

As I lay here in thought thinking, Man Its early

Wondering why I can't Let my heart Shine

Knowing that All I really need is Time.

As I stare down these paths knowing that I can only take one

Not knowing if they are good or bad or what harm they have done.

I notice at a glance one that, I, at first didn't quite see.

A path a little rough around the edges not quite as Pretty

But stands out now, Clearly, among the rest.

Now It's my time to take my " Leap of Faith"

Time to make some choices because It's the only way.

The only way to what....

I'm not quite sure.......

Am I destined to stand here and ponder forever more

Or will I make my own path

The one that's right for ME.

I'm So confused I just want to scream and yell

But I guess It's as they say...

Only Time Will Tell.

Written October 18, 2007

This is my Truth

There is a lot I keep inside and so much I haven't forgiven. I keep my feelings under wraps because that's what I was taught to do. From then I have learned to Respect those who respect you. I'm tougher than I look and deal with more than most know. I have seen a lot in my almost 22 years but my heart has felt so much more. Sometimes I wonder how I handle it all. how I face the world with so much in my heart but muster a smile on my face. I wrote a poem once that smiles were basically everyday masks. Used to cover ones true feelings of the day the minute or the hour.
The brain is a powerful part of your body because with out it I don't think certain people would like the person I am. I learned early on to think before I speak so my sensor works quite well even when I'm angry. All the time I'm taught to leave it alone and let it go. but the same consideration is not often taken with me for my feelings.
I'm determined to take the world on and be better and do better the product of my environment is not who I strive to be. I believe the Lord put me here to do great things and with my faith I hope that I can and will do the great things that lay ahead of me.
My own children will have the life I once wish I had. I am grounded in this reality and must move through life as such but I will never have that chip on my shoulder that you can see. like Tom said

"Yes, I have tricks in my pocket, I have things ... up my sleeve. But I am the opposite of a stage magician. He gives you illusion that has the appearance of truth. I give you truth in the pleasant disguise of illusion." (1.1, Tom).

Interesting Thoughs

I'm laying here and its warmer than usual, reading blogs that have slowly made my mind race and other parts of me moist.
Not sure where to turn with these thoughts so i decided to write.
if only writing would get me what I'm craving. something more than what i been getting which is to say the least.
Even tho my last encounter had me on the brink of acceptance into this elite society.
Never the less I'm thinking damn these ladies are Lucky and their trysts only leave me envious and in desperate search of what they are receiving and giving.
aah if only i could be dangerous and have the exciting escapades that i only read of. is such pleasure only extended to a portion of the population?
is it an exclusive club that i have yet to gain membership to but desire to embraced into?

Hmmm lets see what i can get into or i can get into me....

To be Continued...

I wonder why I am the way I am. What has made me into this person that sometimes feels nothing and other times feels everything. From lust to love, from sadness to happiness, from anger to nothin at all.

I realize that people don't see that their actions and selfishness can and do ultimately hurt other people. Their words no matter how slight can bruise.

I'm a firm believer that time and certain situations changes people and people do grow apart. It's normal and natural.

I am easily hurt but slow to anger...

Life

Lord forgive them for they know not what they do,
neva knew he could have been talkin about me and you,
or maybe more so of just me cuz I can't seem to decided which point is A or B,
or if I want to start @ A and work to B.
Or whether there should be a point C.
I'm lost and confused,
neva winnin but I hate to lose.
To lose in the game of life is not knowing how to play ya cards right.
And by right I mean ur own definition,
cuz everyone got to learn to play they own position.

My wish for you

Help me understand so that I may ease your mind.
Explain to me my faults so that I may calm your heart.
Whisper to me your fears so that I might have them carried away in the wind.
Tell me what ur heart feels so that I might have it grow.
Let me know if u need me to stay or get used to being alone.
Tell me if the worries u get will last longer than our fondest memories.
Tell me if the distance will make us fall because our love couldn't carry us over all the Resistance.
Tell me if ur trust is true so that one day I may have something old, something borrowed and something blue.
Tell me if you love me so that all my dreams will come true but because I love you I wish all of these things for you.

A New Day

Everything happens for a reason. something new happens every day. some times it doesn't feel like your life changed for the better but in time you will see that all wounds do heal and life does go on. The world never stops, even when you feel like yours is crumbling it keeps moving and you just have to keep up.

Kryptonite

Damn I'm like Super Man because I got this kryptonite and I just can't seem to get away but I need to but do I want to?

I may not want to but I have learned my lesson because I have let him treat me a certain way and I deserve more and I know that now because the memories we have cannot be erased but I have to grow and move on and not live in our fondest memories but in the reality that you are not with me.

Your kryptonite can no longer effect me. so live your life have fun. My bwoy tek it easy!!

Smh

I know I'm not always fair but I know now that I'm right because everytime I look for a way to depend on you. You find a way to let me down so why should I try to fit you into my life if every time you get the chance you cant handle it? I have enough disappointment in my life wondering now if you name will now be added to that sad list of names....

Searching For The Right Words

Emotions tend to run wild and I feel like I'm searching for some form of expression to express to you how I feel but at the same time wondering if it really necessary to have to try so hard.

My heart has learned to protect itself from those who show their best intentions but in the end only cause harm and more pain than joy. I have no regrets and have fond memories but my heart never forgets the pain but gracefully forgives it and adds a new armor to protect itself from what the next one may have up his sleeve. Granted as you say its not fair to the next one but who said life was fair and pain was so easily forgiving to the next who should pass.

I am a complex person with many faces and feelings. At times yes I may seem cold but if you take the time and let me warm up and need you to be there I am hotter than concrete in NYC during a heat wave.

I don't want at any point to be in love with the idea of being in love. I want to be in love for real. I want to be at the point where I need your presence and if I can't have that, I want to need your friendship like my next breath. Some to me needs to be better than none. I want to know that even if we can never be together, that any other will have to understand that you will be my friend forever. I want our love to be able to withstand the test of time. I want to be your best friend, your heart, your life.

But at the same time I want to be myself and for you to love me for me. To want me for me. To need me because of the person I am. I need you to want me to be independent and strong so that I can bring something to the table.

I want to be needed and loved because you need me......


The Me that I want to be.

Forgiveness

Well my first blog is about what the world needs more of sadly we tend not to understand the things we really need. Nor do we strive for it

I am a strong believer in forgiveness which is most of the time harder than it really sounds and being RC forgiveness is a big part of the religion. 

When u really begin to understand forgiveness you learn that forgiveness is for YOURSELF and not for others.